Humor

15 Parents You’ll Meet On Your Kid’s Sports Team

The dad that wanted sons, and other sports parents

  1. The Parent That Never Knows The Score- Son has a unique name, like Colby or Brock. Leads PTA meetings.

2. The Parent That Knows The Score Too Well- Shakes the coaches hand too aggressively after games. Is building a loft.

3. The Parent That Wants A Detailed Explanation For Why Their Kid Isn’t Playing- “Did you see all those times he swung the bat and missed?” “Yeah.” “Right, well, this is soccer, so...”

4. The Parent That Kisses The Coach’s Ass- We appreciate the orange slices and gatorade, but Jeffrey isn’t playing shortstop.

5. The Parent That Barely Understands The Sport But Is Just Happy To Be There- Wishes The Parent That Never Knows The Score was friendlier so she wouldn’t feel so alone. Seeing a marriage counselor with The Parent That Knows The Score Too Well.

6. The Parent That Questions Everything The Coach Does- Frequently mentions that he or she played 2 years of college at some obscure division III school in New England.

7. The Parent That Tells The Coach His Son’s Been Practicing- OK.

8. The Mom Who Can’t Control Her Five Other Kids On The Sideline- Has five wrappers in her pocket at all times .At least two of the kids have gender-neutral names.

9. The Recently Divorced Parents- Accidentally starts emails to the coach with ‘Per my last email’.

10. The Dad Who Takes His Son’s Performance Personally- Drinks with The Dad That Knows The Score Too Well. Hard seltzer aficionado.

11. The Dad That Got All Daughters- Rolls his eyes when another parent says “at least they’re having fun”. Daughter winds up getting 2 master’s degrees.

12. The Parent That’s Chronically Late For Pickup- Drives either a 4Runner or Mercedes.

13. The Sunblock Parent- Exchanges numbers with The Mom Who Can’t Control Her Five Other Kids On The Sideline for a play date. Never reaches out.

14. The Dad Who Can’t Leave Work At Work- Keeps one AirPod in during the game. Calls his daughter “babe”.

15. The Unicorn Parent- Only parent on the team that’s honest about his child’s skill level. Sadly, the unicorn’s kid is never a star. Instead, he’s usually the kid that realizes putting a lacrosse stick between your legs looks like a penis.

Mostly humor essays. Benkissam@gmail.com

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