26 People You’ll Meet At Every CrossFit Gym

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1. The Chronic Fist Bumper- Wears a different pair of graphic socks every day. Calls guys bigger than him ‘buddy’.

2. The Woman Who Drops Her Barbell Too Delicately- Signed up for a membership after a “Wine and WOD” event. Asks if the music always has to be that loud.

3. The Guy Who Measures Workouts By The Number of Beer Calories He Can Consume Later- Shakes his head at guys that like White Claw. Freezes membership once a year.

4. The Guy That’s “Too Busy” To Train For The CrossFit Games- If he’s going to do it, he says, he’s going to go “all in”. Maybe next year when “things settle down” at work.

5. The Girl Who Can Totally Kick Your Ass- Tatted, likely a volunteer firefighter. You’re still salty about the time she got stuck with you for a partner WOD and suggested scaling after she saw you do a rope climb.

6. The Guy Who Thinks This Is A Frat- Has a shaker bottle for pre-workout, mid-workout BCAAs, and post-WOD protein. Refers to tough workouts as “spicy”.

7. The Girl That’s Friends With The Girl Who Slept With A Coach- “I don’t get involved,” she says, mid-spiderman-push-up. “Last I saw they were doing shots.”

8. The Guy Who Started An Online Fitness Business- Tags the gym in half his Instagram posts. The link is always in his bio.

9. The Girl Who Started An Online Fitness Business- Just started but already has more followers than The Guy.

10. The Guy Who Hates Metcons- Regularly encourages the head coach to program more strength workouts. His car floor is covered with old Chipotle bags and a copy of Starting Strength.

11. The Quiet Mom That’s Competitive AF- Says maybe two words during the warmup, then mops the floor with every dude in the 8:00 am class.

12. The Guy Who Never Wears Deodorant- Not sure who it is? It’s you.

13. The Guy Who, After 3 Years, Still Can’t Butterfly Kip- Says workouts like Cindy “aren’t his kind of WOD”. Rubs his hands together when DT comes up.

14. The Resident Man Whore- Only takes class if cute single girls are in it. Failed his CrossFit L-1 certification test.

15. The Guy Who’d Be Pretty Good If He Could Get His Nutrition Together- It’ll be two years in May since he first started talking about going keto.

16. The Guy Who Clearly Has A Favorite Workout T-Shirt- It’s red, tri-blend material, and from a competition he did in 2016.

17. The Veteran- Cherry picks workouts based on limitations from past surgeries. Overestimates his current fitness level doing Murph every Memorial Day.

18. The Drop-In- In town for meetings, works in finance. Wears your gym’s t-shirt he just bought for the workout.

19. The Athlete That Leaves Their Shit All Over The Gym- Warms up in socks. Frequently brought up at staff meetings.

20. The Girl Every Guy Is Obsessed With- Long-time boyfriend is a consultant, they met at their old gym. He only works out twice a week but cleans 300lbs.

21. The Former Gymnast- Does strict bar muscle-ups perfectly her first week. Doesn’t get why that bugs people.

22. The ROMWOD Guy- Post WOD: “Anyone down for a quick mobility sesh?”

23. The Couple Coaches Hate- Takes the 7:00 pm class then sticks around for “open gym”. The evening coach—who’s also opening in the morning— finally kicks them out at 8:30 pm, cutting short their final sets of banded pull-downs.

24. The Guy Who Gets Self-Conscious Doing Bicep Curls- Says things like, “I mean, if you don’t think having strong elbow ligaments is functional…”

25. The Guy Who Doesn’t Actually Do CrossFit- Occupies a squat rack during peak evening hours. Half-heartedly does the exact same WOD once a week for conditioning, likely involving the assault bike.

26. The Comedian- Says, “ that’s my favorite kind of workout” when the coach abbreviates “BJs” for box jumps.

For more observational comedy like this, check out my “Oh, The F*cking People You’ll Meet” series here. It’s free!

A collection of humor essays and other musings. Benkissam@gmail.com

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