1.The Guy Who Hasn’t Played In Ten Years, But Drops $200 On New Gear- Exclusively wears Under Armour. Keeps his Apple watch on during games.
2. The Guy, Who, For Some Reason, Wears Kneepads During Games- Is it a brace? No one knows.
3. The Guy Who’s H.S. Team “Should’ve Won” State- Frequently tries to rainbow the ball over defenders or take shots from midfield.
4. The Guy Who’s H.S. Team Won State- Always brings extra subs, usually guys he played with in high school. Sometimes leftover sandwiches from his shift at Jimmy Johns.
5. The Guy Who Tries To Install The West Coast Offense At Practice- Sends Vince Lombardi quotes to your group chat the night before games. Wishes they’d make more movies like Invincible.
6. The Guy Who Invites Girls He Just Met On Bumble To Watch His Games- Leaves without saying goodbye after every game.
7. The Guy Looking For A Girlfriend On Bumble During Games- Yeah man, she’s cute. But the match expires in 45 minutes. And you’re up.
8. The Guy Who Brings His Own Resistance Bands For Warm-Ups Mansplains the “science” behind muscle pliability and tells people Tom Brady’s unique workout habits “make sense if you think about it.”
9. The Guy With The Bandana- He joined the team as a relatively unknown three years ago but pays league fees on time. You know as much about him now as you did then.
10. The Guy Who Just Had Surgery- Describes his physical therapist’s exercise limitations as “unrealistic”.
11. The Guy Who Needs Surgery, But Keeps Putting It Off- His wife texts you every week asking you to keep an eye on him.
12. The Guy Who Thinks Everyone Should Grow A Playoff Beard- League playoffs start and end the same afternoon, Zach.
13. The Religious Guy- Asks each guy individually if they’d “be up for” saying the Lord’s Prayer after games.
14. The Guy Who Sends All The Emails- Could take several guys to small claims court for overdue league fees if he wanted to.
15. The Guy Who “Isn’t Getting” Any Of The Emails- Especially the weeks when he’s supposed to bring beer.
16. The Guy With The Frozen Shoulder- Everything he does on the field looks uncomfortable. You hold your breath every time he cuts at full-speed. Burns at least one of your team’s timeouts per game for injuries.
17. The Guy Who’s Really Into Self-Help Books Right Now- You keep ignoring his emails requesting your personal and team goals for the season.
18. The Guy Who’s Just There To Have Fun- You put him in right field so the ball never gets hit to him. It never does until the game is on the line.
19. The Guy Who’s Only There To Drink Beer- Gives the new guy shit for buying Busch Light, then says it’s fine because “his favorite beer is free beer.”
20. The Guy Who Doesn’t Want To Go Home To His Wife After Games- His SUV’s trunk stays open for at least 30 minutes as he loiters around the parking lot on his phone.
21. The Guy Who’s Always Ready To Fight Someone- Calls guys on the team—new and old—his “brothers”. Constantly reminds you he has your back.
22. The Guy Who Knows His Exact Stats- Ranks between 4th and 6th in every category except penalties.
23. The Guy Who Just Started Doing CrossFit- Makes everyone stop shooting during warmups so he can do handstands against the goalpost to get his shoulders loose.
24. The Guy Who Keeps Saying “Our Team Is Just Like The League”- Tells the story of the night him and Jay became “Eskimo brothers” at least once a month.
25. The Guy Who, 8 Weeks From The Season, Publicly Commits To Getting In Awesome Shape- Texts the guy who ordered jerseys a week before the season to see if it’s too late to change sizes.
26. The Garbage Goal Scorer- Has 24 more points than anyone on the team. No assists.
27. The Fat Guy Who “Moves Pretty Well For His Size”- Has an Irish last name. Brother-in-law just opened a brewery.
28. The Guy Who Picks Jersey #69- Keeps a list on his phone of all the girls he’s slept with. Six are named Ashley.
29. The Guy Who Double Checks The Other Team’s Roster For Ringers and Non-Registered Players- Oldest on the team by 8 years. Doesn’t know what Cisgender means.
30. The Guy Who Keeps Bringing Up The One Big Play He Made All Season- No, no one got it on video.
31. The Guy Who Brings His Own Lawn Chair- Groans loudly when he sits in it. Louder when he gets up.
32. The Guy Who Cut The Sleeves Off His Jersey- Doesn’t know you’re supposed to return the jerseys. Doesn’t care when you tell him.
33. The Guy Who Keeps Saying He “Needed This” Tonight- Lawyer.
34. The Guy Who’s Wife And Kids Come To All The Games- His son has a t-shirt that says “Daddy’s All-Star” and his wife refers to herself as the “fan section”.
35. The Guy Who Always Thinks The Other Team Paid The Refs- Finishes most sentences with “no homo”. Gives The Religious Guy noogies.
36. The Ringer- 24-years-old, played two years in college. Living at home to save money. A few guys resent him—their wives mentioned his physique as a reason they should work out more.
37. The Guy Who Shows Up To Games 60 Minutes Early- Somehow always the last one in full gear at practice.
38. The Guy Who Emails Scouting Reports Of The Other Teams- Ends his 2,500-word dissertation with, “Just some things to keep in mind. Not a big deal.”
39. The Guy Who Wants To Add A Morning Practice- Sells it by saying an extra practice will “put us in the ‘ship.” Emails YouTube links to trick plays he wants to try.
40. The Girl- Sleeps with The Ringer after a Friday night doubleheader. Sends a text on Monday saying work is getting busy and she won’t be available for any more games.
41. The Sports Equivalent of Guy Fieri- Wears Oakley sunglasses no matter the weather, usually on the back of his neck. Tries hard to get a team catchphrase to “stick”.
For more observational comedy lists like this one, check out my “Oh, The F*cking People You’ll Meet” series here. It’s free!